I've been wanting to write this post for a while because I think it is important for me to let people know how great our GOD is. While in China I struggled with a lot of emotions concerning the adoption of Samuel. In the middle of it, it was hard imagining that my feelings would change. I thought I would be stuck in this struggle of not trusting and being unhappy forever.
Even before we got to the the orphanage I started feeling fearful. "What were we doing?" "How would we care for this child?" "Will we be able to provide for his specific needs?"
When he walked through the door of the conference room with that little shy look that we had come to know so well in the pictures I thought "here we go..." I didn't have time to think much more as he broke out of his shell within minutes and was touching and jabbering and playing and possessing all the new things around him. My next thoughts were, "Oh my he is ADHD and is going to drive me crazy the rest of my life" "I don't think I can do this".
Samuel wasted no time in testing his limits and pushing buttons. He would hit, spit, pout and adamantly refuse to hold hands, stay close or accept what he was given without asking for something else. Oh and he was loud, no volume control as someone in our group in Guangzhou mentioned. Our time in Chengdu was difficult, I wanted to go out and do stuff Wayne wanted to stay in and contain Samuel even though he was bouncing off the walls. The city was not exactly friendly to kids, all there was was shopping and smelly streets and nothing familiar to us.
I had been so excited to see another part of China, and still am glad we were able to, though the most comfortable times were when we were with our guide. I wished we had utilized her more to get out and see things. I think the summer humidity didn't help any either.
But back to me and my thoughts and emotions. On Tuesday we finalized all the paperwork and that night it hit me that this is for real and forever and as I lay in bed I cried. All night I cried I couldn't see how I could possibly do this I didn't have the strength, the stamina, the know how or the will to raise this child. I wanted to go home without Samuel and forget we ever started this adoption.
In between crying and reading the book "House of Sixty Fathers" (a children's historical fiction book about a young Chinese boy who was separated from his parents during the Japanese occupation of WWII), I woke Wayne and cried to him and had him hold me. He reminded me it would be different when we got home in our own environment that we just have to get through this time in China. That was what I needed to hear though I didn't receive it well at the time.
I also cried out to God. I just poured out my heart with what I shared above and didn't really know what would happen. I continued to struggle through our days in Chengdu not attaching well to Sam kind of acting like a babysitter more than a mother and letting my mind imagine the worse for our life at home. Finally Friday arrived and we couldn't wait to get to Guangzhou. We had our guide take us an hour early and were very grateful when she managed to get us on a flight that left an hour earlier than our originally scheduled one.
Turned out that most of the flights that day were delayed due to thunder storms that morning and then while we were there more thunder storms came. The airport became more and more crowded with a sea of Chinese faces all seeming to stare at us westerners with an active Chinese boy.
We tried to keep track of our flight but the monitors weren't updated so I had to keep checking with the lady at the gate. At one point one monitor said our flight was boarding at a different gate so we packed up our stuff and moved across the room to another gate. After about 3 hours of waiting Samuel had had enough, he was tired and probably hungry and wanted to get on a plane. He was crying, loudly I might add, and pointing towards the door. I tried to grab people and ask if they spoke english and chinese so they could explain to Samuel what was going on. Samuel didn't care if we got on a plane to Siberia he just wanted to get on. Our first hours without our guide were difficult to say the least.
Finally around 9:30 pm we somehow got in the right line to get on the right shuttle bus to bring us to our plane. Then it started raining again, we walked up the stairs into our plane in the rain. Samuel at last was happy though. Our plane sat on the runway another hour before it could take off and by God's incredible mercy I sat next to a Chinese angel who loved Samuel and played with him and talked to him till we took off at 11pm. I was able to borrow her cell phone( amazing how much you can communicate with gestures) and call our guide so she could call our guide in Guangzhou to let him know we'd be delayed.
We arrived at 1am and finally settled into our rooms at the China Hotel by 2 and were ready to go by 7am. Now onto the medical exam.
Being over tired didn't help, Samuel whined and cried as the doctors poked and pried. The doctor went and got our guide to ask if we thought Samuel was ok mentally. I realized that if I had said no he wasn't ok I could disrupt this adoption and could go home. What an evil thought, but I didn't, I explained he was delayed in his speech and wasn't able to articulate his words well, but that he was ok otherwise. As you can see I was still struggling.
After a good nights sleep and being with other adopting Americans I started to feel a little better. There were about 7 families adopting older special needs children and those with kids 4 and older were struggling with many of the same things we were. The fits and the pouting, the disregard for authority, the possessiveness, the spitting, hitting and kicking , and while I felt bad for us all I also felt a great relief that I wasn't alone.
I still was struggling with anxiety about our life with Samuel. As I read God's word though I started to find hope:
"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4:5-7
I was able to start thanking God for Samuel and how through him I would grow in humility, dependence on God and love for others.
Then I received this from a friend via e-mail:
“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, [2] but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” We are sustained by His mercy and somehow this passage spoke to me of the infinite mercy and compassion God is demonstrating on Samuel's life and your family by allowing us to know Him and give Him all glory. And i am so glad that it is not by our human will or exertion that anything of worth comes to pass! Hope you are abiding in God's peace and that y'all have a safe stay and return to the states. Much love and prayers,I needed to hear so much that it was not by my will or exertion that anything of worth comes to pass. It is by God working through me. I am a weak vessel in which he can show HIS power in Samuel's life and our life.
So now we have been home a little over 2 weeks, wow is that possible? The first week was difficult his pouts and moods were still there and I was not very patient with him. It was hard for me to be compassionate. And integrating our family back together with Ruth was interesting. Things are smoothing out though and once we get through all the initial doctors visits and evaluations we'll settle in even more.
We hit the ground running coming home the week before labor day. God was gracious and allowed us to get over our jet lag quickly and we were able to get Michael started with his homeschooling classes and clubs without too much difficulty and Anna too is getting into a groove with schooling.
But the miracle is that God has changed my heart, HE and HE alone has changed my fearful, anxiety ridden, ungrateful heart heart to one of love and compassion and acceptance of Samuel. He is ours and with God's help we can raise him as our own.
Just as God has adopted us as sons and joint heirs with Christ so we have adopted Samuel into our family. Just as God has given us a hope and a future so we have given Samuel the same. So you see I am nothing just a tool in the hand of a mighty God to HIM be the glory.
